Ponderings

The past four days have been Eeyore days for me. It is so true that our bodies store up trauma and grief and then sometimes unleash it on us years later.

I woke up on Saturday feeling…undone. Eleven years ago that day my son’s birth father had taken his own life after years of battling schizophrenia. I didn’t wake up thinking, “today is the day” but my body knew. My mind knew. And so began the weird spiral beginning with anxiety, fear of the unknown, and a body that held all of the grief, shock, and aftermath of that day. I spent the entire day in bed sleeping, ignoring, denying.

My son had only met his father twice in his life, both when he was younger than 5. As an adult, he “met” his dad at his funeral. And I think most of my grief was that Cody had never known the man, or the father. Not of my own doing, but because of a madness that prevented it from ever occurring.

This madness would prevent my son and I from connecting for many years of his adult life. We each held on to this grief in different forms. The anger, disbelief, questioning.

It took the love of his wife, Abby, to make me see that there was still good in the world. Being trapped in a cycle of grief and anger and resentment is not the stuff that grows relationships. It only stifles them. Buries them. Burns them. Yet this sweet woman brought us both out of the ashes. And today, as I sit here spending the day with my beloved granddaughter, I see it all come full circle.

Restoration. Healing. Peace. Clarity.

Peace.

Carolyn